What Does Diabetes Feel Like?

I just wrote a blog post on the TeamWILD website about how I stay grounded and focused during the holiday and end of year craziness! And it got me excited, and thinking about my announcement I will make at the end of January about what I will be doing with my life moving forward, now that TeamWILD is closed.

And reflecting on the holiday wellness and staying grounded, got me thinking about the question that Chris Scully asked a few diabetes bloggers to write about during November, Diabetes Awareness Month. She asked people to think about and write about, What Does Diabetes Feel Like?

And that question has had me thinking for a number of weeks now. You see, I grew up in a family with diabetes. My dad was diagnosed when I was one year old. So, my entire life, I was aware of diabetes and the impact of it on my family.

When I was a kid, diabetes felt like fear. Fear about would it kill my dad? Would he die from low blood sugar this time? Would he hurt himself falling down? Would we get killed riding in the car with him when his blood sugar went low? Yes, diabetes when I was a kid meant danger and the feeling I had about it was fear.

Then, when I was 16, one month after my birthday, I found out that I had diabetes too. And then for about the next 15 years, the feeling I had about diabetes was “control it.” I was still driven by my fear of low blood sugars, so I tended to run my blood sugars too high, in order to avoid the lows. My overwhelming thought about diabetes was to do everything I could to keep myself in control, and not making any impact on anyone around me, the way my dad’s management of his diabetes impacted our family.

Then, when I was 30, I went to the endocrinologist and she told me my hemoglobin A1c was nearing 13. That’s bad, very bad. She was rather judgmental about it, so I fired her. And I found someone else to support me as I got daring and started the one thing I knew I should do but wasn’t: Exercise.

This started the next feeling that I started to have about diabetes: Motivation. Get motivated. Get moving. I got a personal fitness trainer and I learned what it was like to push my body and I began to understand the difference between pushing my body and low blood sugar. During those first exercise sessions, I tested my blood sugar about every 10 minutes. I did not want to fall over, the way I had seen my father fall.

Slowly I gained confidence and courage. And I got out there and did a 400 mile bike ride across Colorado’s mountains. It was amazing! I felt empowered and hopeful.

Then I found out I had cancer, and the rug got pulled out from under me. During chemo and radiation, diabetes management was very difficult. During this time, the feeling I had in relationship to diabetes was annoyance and frustration. I ended up eating more than was good for me and I was so frustrated with my diabetes management.

After I made it through cancer that first time, I discovered the joy of being a cancer surviving athlete. I did many races, including triathlons, with other cancer survivors. So I discovered a community. Then I did a Tour de Cure, which I had done many times. And there was no feeling of community. So, a few of us got together and we created the Red Riders. That launched a deep feeling of belonging, and feeling understood.

And that is the feeling that remains. Closing TeamWILD broke my heart, but only in that it was letting go of a dear dream that I held for many years. But closing TeamWILD has not broken the feeling that I carry inside me of connection to people who understand the challenge of living well with diabetes.

On that note, I wish you all well as you make your way this holiday season! I will think of you as I spend my Christmas holiday with my type 2 pal Terena. We will ride our bike trainers each day and we’ll cook amazing healthy food!!

Be well!

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