What I thought would be my final project is becoming a lesson in love.
We all know we are going to die one day. That is after all part of the human condition. We are born, we live our lives, and eventually we die. At least our human body dies. I for one believe that our soul, which I believe is connected to our consciousness, is eternal. In this moment of being slammed up against the door of death, I take comfort in knowing that love and connection and eternal consciousness will carry me.
Love That Changes Us
Thank you. The comments on my blog post last week, both the comments made on Facebook and on the blog post have moved me deeply. Reading them and letting them in reminds me of how far I have come in this human lifetime. My quest has been to heal the deep personal and generational trauma I was born into in this lifetime.
I’ve struggled much of my life to believe that I am valuable and worthwhile. Most likely that’s the end result of attachment difficulties when I was a child that extended generations back. In doing my own healing, I’ve been able to feel and know profound forgiveness of those who have hurt me in this life. I know that each of them was always doing the very best that they could. As was I. At times that wasn’t enough.
I’ve spent many years doing many different kinds of therapy, and I’ve been fortunate to heal much of this old pain. At long last, I have come to feel in my body my inherent worthiness. At least most of the time I can feel it.I finally know and feel and understand that I don’t have to prove myself. All of us simply by the nature of our human existence are worthy of kindness, caring and love. Me included.
I told you last week that I have begun my Dance with Death. I likely don’t have that much time left in this human body. I’m no longer buying time with Western medications. None of us, me included, know my final expiration date.
All we know is that many, not all, bodies that have cancer growing might not have that much time. Time has become profoundly precious. One result is that I am allowing myself to move more slowly. To feel every emotion as it arises. I’ve never been much of a crier, but the tears stream down my face multiple times a day. I am sitting quietly with my dog as he eats. I am touching the trees daily with reverence. I feel my heart opening more than I ever knew was possible.
Preparing for My Death
This week I started the project I’m calling Preparing For My Death. I do love a good project. This will likely be my last big project. Here are a few of the categories I will share as this gets underway.
- Applying for and enacting disability (I’m about to go on Intermittent Disability. That means I can take a day here and there as I need them.) I love my job at the University of Minnesota and my intention is to keep working as long as it feels appropriate.
- Working with my Death Doula. I found one and she and I will begin our work soon.
- Working with my Palliative Care doctor. I found one and I will meet with him in September.
- Organizing the paperwork. This has lots of components. Making sure all my documents have the correct beneficiaries. Updating my Advanced Care Directive. Updating my will. Updating my Medical Power of Attorney. Whew, this one has lots to consider. I’m breathing deep and reminding myself I will get it done one small bit at a time. I’m grateful I know how to create lists and spreadsheets and get things done in tiny chunks.
- Doing a serious Swedish Death Cleaning of my apartment. Connected to this, I’ve got a spreadsheet listing my belongings, I don’t have that much, with the names of people I hope want the various items. This has brought up conversations with lots of love and tears with close friends. Touching and heart breaking all at once.
- Hospice. I found a hospice group I want to work with. The hospice nurse is coming to my apartment next week to tell me about their program and when the time comes, how to activate their services. I feel great relief to know what’s available and how to support my friends in helping me get these services as my body breaks down.
One Last Dream
When I first got the news of the cancer growing in my chest wall, I told a few of my writing friends. Two of them asked me about my bucket list items. I resisted, saying I was already doing most of the items on my list. After all, I make an effort to live with intention and purpose everyday.
Then they asked me about travel. Again I resisted, saying it wasn’t possible. I’ve already traveled quite a bit.
You see, I’ve had a travel savings account for a while and it’s the last account any money goes into. Care for my dog, my car, diabetes & cancer expenses, paying for race entries and run and bike gear, and possible emergencies all come first. I am very careful with my money and there’s rarely any leftover for the travel fund.
They pushed gently and with some insistence, and finally, tears streaming, I acknowledged that I have wanted to go to Ireland nearly my entire life. I remember dreaming about Ireland when I was a child. Every time a friend has gone to Ireland, I lean into the pictures and the stories they tell. Not in envy but pure delight. And longing. I wrote a blog about going to Ireland in 2019. And another one in 2016.
I always thought I would get there. I thought I had time. I’m just 61 years old, there’s time. That’s what I told myself. Turns out there just might not be time.
Learning to Receive
Two of my friends have set up a GoFundMe campaign to make this dream a reality. I’ve told my office that my hope is to go in October. Colleagues have stepped up to help cover the class I teach in the fall.
I am opening my heart to the generosity and kindness pouring forth. I’m working to accept it. To not feel like I need to “pay it back” or “pay it forward” or do something to earn this generosity. I can feel my being growing and learning as I accept this challenge as it tears down my resistance with love.
Perhaps the biggest lesson of this season is learning to receive. I’ve spent much of my life believing I had to earn love, generosity, and kindness. My friends have gently reminded me that sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is simply say yes when others want to help.
A Final Request
As I am someone who struggles with finances, if you are someone who doesn’t have funds to donate, your words and wishes mean as much to me as the finances. On the GoFundMe site, there’s a link to a beautiful Google form where you can write comments and wishes for me. I put the link here so you can skip going to GoFundMe.
I invite everyone to leave a comment and wish. My hope and plan is to have these comments and wishes and appreciations read to me as I am in hospice. Reminders as this human body exits this realm that I did matter. That I did live a good life. I think it will help as I take my last breath, whenever that may be.
With deep love and gratitude,
Mari
I am in total shock Mari! I’m so so sorry to hear about your illness and I’m not surprised you are taking this challenge with grace, as you have with every other challenge you’ve faced. While we don’t know each other well, the way you’ve championed living with T1 has been an inspiration to me & you’ll never realize how much you’ve motivated me, athletically & physically! Thank you!
I know I am like so many others in your network, if I could take any part of your pain or struggles away, I would.
Endless thanks for all the good you’ve brought to this world & for showing the strength & character to share your amazing story with the world. You’re simply amazing & I wish you great peace & serenity as you face yet another unbelievable challenge.
Heidi
Thank you Heidi for your words. I appreciate you and I’m glad how we interacted helped motivate you! Peace and serenity are fabulous wishes!!
Your dedication to teaching has been such an inspiration to me, Mari. I’m grateful we had the chance to cross paths in the SEP. You’re going to love Ireland so much!
Thank you Jessie for your very kind words! I agree, SEP was wonderful. I too am grateful our paths crossed!
PDear Mari,
Your words cause me to think deeply about life and soulfulness. Years ago as a philosophy student I wrote an essay to prove that we live forever. It was largely fashioned after Plato’s assertion that the essence of life is the soul, and that the soul must live forever because its death denies it of its very essence. But even a non-believer acknowledges the existence of their consciousness, which is their soul, and thus we live forever, though perhaps not in bodily form.
My professor must have liked what I had to say because he gave me an A+. But those were just words to me.
Then, eight years ago, we lost our precious Stephen, suddenly, from an undetected heart anomaly at a youthful 27. Growing up he struggled. But things were turning around. He had reached an apex: he had just graduated college, he was in his dream job, he had scores of friends, he had even bought himself a brand new car. We have grieved deeply ever since.
But something changed inside of me when he died. Where my college sophistry once felt clever but vacuous, it now gives me inner peace.
The truths about death are that it is coming for all of us and that what is coming cannot be known while we are in bodily form. I for one look forward to a communion with Stephen in whatever form it takes. And, Mari, you can take comfort that you have made the world a far better place, and your deeds and kindness will last forever.
Howard
Profound thank you Howard for telling me your thoughts about the soul and consciousness. And for telling me more about your wonderful son Stephen who died 8 years ago. I value seeing you at all our Run Minnesota runs and hearing your stories and experiences. You are a blessing.
So glad you are going to Ireland. I wish for you the very best weather and music!’
Three cheers for good weather and music!!!
We never met but you have had a good influence on my life. First I became aware of you when you were teaching about diabetes and athleticism in Boulder. You were leading a bike group that I saw from photos met across the street from my home. But at that time I was working full time and didn’t have the spare time to participate. Then it was the recession. I didn’t have much money and you moved away. But I had already been following your influences and found affordable fitness at the Boulder rec center taking multiple classes weekly. I have successfully kept my type 2 diabetes in remission since then except when I am sick and can’t exercise. I am now retired in Oregon and 68 years old. My husband and I set up a home gym and work out here 3 days a week and we also have a free membership at Planet Fitness and also go there regularly. I am not sure I would have followed this path without your influence. So thank you for the inspiration.
Donna,
Thank you for telling me this beautiful story from your life!! We are all interwoven together!
Your words are inspirational and touching. I wanted you to know that you are an amazing teacher and as one of your students I know the impact you made on all of us. I remember your classroom, your shopping cart, your lessons and the care you showed to each and every student so well. After more than 30 years that’s amazing. There are few teachers I recall with that much clarity. Thank you and enjoy your trip to Ireland. I’ll be following along!
Oh Amy, you remember that shopping cart I lugged from classroom to classroom! I have been able to make the best of a situation all these years!!! Thank you for your kind, kind words. Please if you would, add them to the Google Form my friends created!! That way they will get to my hospice bed when that happens! Glad you’re along for this journey!