One week brought a new cancer diagnosis, a profound decision, and an invitation to live the time I have left with intention, gratitude, and awe.
It regularly surprises me how life can and does change on a dime. In an instant.
In my previous blog post, published on June 15th, I wrote about living as if tomorrow isn’t promised. I talked about the status of the cancer in my body as I understood it to be in mid-June. I got to spin on a dime after that 4th Garry Bjorklund Half Marathon.
June 26th, 1981 is the day I was officially diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I was 16 on that day way back then.
As a result, June 26, 2026 was my 45th Diaversary, the anniversary when my life completely changed. For the first time.
On June 26, 2026, I went for an ultrasound of my right chest wall and I learned that the cancer nodules where I had a mastectomy in 2010 are growing. Let that sink in. The cancer in my body is growing.
A New Diagnosis
I went to see my oncologist on July 2nd and learned that I now have an official diagnosis of recurrent metastatic breast cancer.
The reality of that apparent truth is hitting me hard. It’s the third breast cancer I’ve faced.
I’ve decided to stop fighting it.
Instead, I’m choosing to devote the time I have left to living as fully, consciously, and lovingly as I know how.
No more Western medications. I’ve done practically all of the Western medicines: chemotherapy, hormone therapy, radiation, surgery. Enduring the treatments was painful, mind fogging, exhausting and debilitating. Enough is enough. Quality vs quantity matters to me.
Choosing Quality of Life
I will continue to live as intentionally, healthfully and as appreciative of awe and beauty as I have for the past 22 years since breast cancer diagnosis number one at age 39 in October 2004.
I go to weekly acupuncture with a skilled acupuncturist who works with many who have cancer. I continue to heal my trauma. I meditate daily. I exercise daily. I plank daily and do my mobility routine for balance and strength. I eat healthy whole foods. I have a beautiful circle of friends. I have a job I love and I will work at it as long as makes sense. I will continue my daily practice of touching trees in gratitude for support, walking my dog, and finding wonder and awe as I wake up each day and dance with the divinity everywhere around and within us.
How I Choose to Live
And as all of the above is true, I acknowledge the likelihood of the soon arriving death of this human body. My oncologist acknowledged that it’s most likely that at most I will have two years to live in this body. Because I am foregoing Western cancer treatments, it’s very possible I will have 5 to 6 more months of feeling good. Then the cancer will spread. To my lungs, to my bones, to my lymph system.
I still believe in miracles and magic. I am both a dreamer and a realist. I shall take advantage of the time I have left. My dear friend Tammy reminded me a few days ago that I am someone who doesn’t waste time. Now that becomes ever more important.
Preparing for the Journey
I am profoundly grateful for the hours and hours of Holotropic Breathwork I have done, much of it with Kylea Taylor, Jim Schofield, Tav Sparks, Lynda Greibenow, Jeanine Klotzkin, Stephen Dinan, Matthew Stelzner, Diane Haug and Stan Grof, the creator of the process. I also appreciate the near-death experience I had when I attempted suicide in 2013.
What I Know About Death
I know first hand that death is an illusion and my consciousness shall carry on when this body gives out. I will chant and hum and call in my Angels and Guides and Guardians. I know, feel and experience the connection of and to all as I transition out of this human body. Whenever that time arrives.
Thank You
I write this blog today as I’m making an effort to say thank you to as many as possible as I begin this ending journey.
Today this body I live in feels quite good. This morning I ran 9.5 miles along the Mississippi River with my run club. Nothing hurts. I’m not short of breath. I don’t have brain fog. How long that will continue is unknown.
Thank you readers of this blog and of my recent book. Thank you for seeing me. For holding me. For reminding me of my value and of the beauty of this life.
The Beginning of My Death Dance
Today marks the launch of my Death Dance Blog. It will be right here on this website. I hope to add a few videos of me talking about the process of dancing with death. Nothing too lengthy, just enough to reassure everyone that I am still here in my right mind as I begin this dance. My hope is to write and post at least twice a month, perhaps more often, until I no longer can. I hope you will join me as I share what I learn and discover, from the ordinary and mundane to the deep and transformative.
Hand on my heart with love,
Mari
Thank you to everyone who has made a comment. I am opening my heart and soul to feel all of the love and care in the words and sentiments you are writing. Thank you. This is part of the healing. I appreciate each of you.
Mari, reading this brought tears to my eyes. Though we’ve only spent a short time together I consider you a friend. I am touch by this brave conscious approach to dying. Thank you for openly sharing your journey.❤️
Thank you Katelyn. I know you too have been through SO much. I appreciate following your healing journey as you post about it on Facebook.
Mari,
I am one in a small circle at the side of another friend walking the path you are on, making choices similar to yours. She made the decision to stop chemo last fall, though she did continue a treatment that slows the growth of tumors for her own comfort until she recently entered hospice. Medicare won’t cover that treatment and hospice at the same time, so she had to choose and she chose hospice. I am glad to see so many of your friends supporting your choices and I wish you as much time as possible to enjoy living the way you love and as much comfort and ease as possible for the rest.
That’s beautiful Teri! Thank you for sharing.
Mari,
As always, thanks for your openness and vulnerability with sharing your thoughts. My heart sank upon reading the cancer returned AND I completely support whatever decisions you make for yourself moving forward. I think of you often (any time I wear Team WILD or Red Rider apparel), and I truly appreciate what you bring into this world. Sending you much love, my friend.
Oh dear Kathy, thank you for your words. You always touch my heart. I suppose that gear and TeamWILD and the Red Riders are a part of my legacy. Never thought I’d be thinking about my legacy at age 61. Oh well. Soaking it up and letting it go as I move forward on this next adventure! Love you my friend.
I have no words… except may you continue to bless and be blessed. Sending love and light…
Mari, you are a beautiful soul who is so enthusiastic and engaged and helpful and kind. Sending love, light, blessings, prayers, and big hugs. My doggies send kisses and wags.
Thank you SO much Lorri!!!
Oh Mari…I’m sending you love and light and am noticing that you are continuing to move toward wholeness as you describe about your breath work in Extreme Healing. Your love and wisdom and courage and joy nourish me and our world. Love you, Mari
Mari
What happened to living happily ever after? Life is so friggen inconvenient and not at all what we were promised in those fairytales.
I love that you’re sharing this the way you are.
It’s so very helpful for so many of us in what we’re dealing with.
It puts our so called shit in perspective
I totally support your decisions in how you’re living the one beautiful life only you have!
Love
Jean Ufkin
A deep bow to you Mari for your honest look at life and death
hard to fathom you dying soon as you are still running half marathons
I know death is coming for us all
may you experience joy deep peace and loving friends and family around you to support you in this journey
life is filled with a thousand joys and a thousand sorrows
you are one courageous hard charging wahine and an inspiration to many
Sending love and Aloha
I’m honored to be invited into this journey with you and absorb your wisdom. So admire you. Sending only love and light to hold you, and a few gallows-humor jokes when you need ’em.
Hi Mari,
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I’ve gotten to know you over the past year but I consider you friend and I am sorry to hear this news. I admire your approach to walk this path. I don’t know that I would have that kind of strength. But I will send you some of mine, and much love
Mari, I am so sorry to hear this news. You have inspired me since the Team Wild days with your honesty and your courage and optimism. I always read your blog as soon as it arrives in my inbox. I have you in my thoughts with support and love.
When I was forwarded your post, I was listening to a podcast (link below) and she had just said these words: “Yeah, you know, like, cancer is a very scary thing. Any life-threatening disease is terrifying, and it’s not something you want to go through alone. I mean, you know, we are individuals, and we are born alone, I guess. We live alone, we die alone, but that’s not totally true. You know, we are a collective. We are shaped by it.” She studies the ways in which communities of trees support one another through millions of fungal interconnections underground. They share water, carbon and immunity information so that when one tree is lost, many of its internal resources have already been shared with its surrounding community, even with other tree species. Thank you, Mari for sharing yourself with this world in countless visible and invisible ways.
From Conduit Conversations: Live with Suzanne Simard, Canadian Scientist, Mar 31, 2022
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/conduit-conversations/id1466049481?i=1000555809248&r=2362
Oh Elina, thank you. One of my next blogs will be about the insights I gained while in the Old Growth forest last week and how we as humans are like an old growth forest. Your words and this reference is VERY helpful for that post. Blessings my friend.
Mari, I’m so sorry to hear this news. Your decision makes sense given what you’ve been up against. I know how long you’ve been fighting and living well and inspiring many. I just prayed for you and will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Blessings and God‘s love to you. God blesss you, Mari. May you feel the peace of Christ through this challenging time.
I think we can all intellectualize until death is staring us in the face. And then sh*t gets real. I admire your authenticity and thank you for sharing with all those of us following on the journey.
Thank you Mari. I am wishing you the best. I have been following your stories since you lived in Boulder and I am sharing this because we all need to wrap our heads around our own mortality and that of those we love. Blessings!
Hi Mari. I want you to know how much light and joy you brought to GRS when I was a student there. I’ve enjoyed continuing to follow your life updates over the years including your many athletic accomplishments and the joy you find in movement and being outdoors which is inspiring to say the least! I hope you have a meaningful and special remaining months/years on this earth and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I wish you wellness and comfort and peace and joy all at once!
I appreciate you sharing what’s happening. I lovingly honor your choices. And I am so proud of you for how you have navigated years of challenges and created joy in your life.
I’m deeply sad. Life is so unyieldingly unfair.
I’m here for you in whatever capacity you need.
Sending love
What beautiful and courageous witness you are bearing Mari! I am currently in Santiago de Compostela and will pray for a miracle for you in this place where so many have been answered. I will follow your journey as you share it and will continue to send you all of the love and strength I have to offer. Buen Camino hermana
Mari, I remember a very focussed you at Wizard training with Peak Potentials many years ago. We all search for a way forward for ourselves and a greater awareness of our higher selves. You have never stopped and I believe in you and support your decisions. May your remaining days be filled with joy, wonder and enlightenment. You are an inspiration.
It feels weird to put a pithy comment in a public post that somehow sums up your life, our relationship, your impact on the world as I see it, etc. I thought about citing a poem, one of the 80+ letters in the garage, your own words. I will just say that such things are of course not enough and sometimes they hurt, even when you don’t want them to. As my former boyfriend Steve was experiencing his dance with cancer, people would approach us and say things like “Everything happens for a reason…” which is an absurd thing to say to someone with cancer. Your writing is beautiful. No one has lived more deeply and fully than you. I look forward to finding out more of how you spend the coming days, however many they may be. I hope there are exactly as many as you dream of.
Mari, you have inspired me since I first met you in college at a HamPIRG meeting! I am glad to have reconnected with you later in life, though mostly online since you are always running and I am always dancing! You deserve a beauty filled death, surrounded by whomever you want to be there, in human and spirit form, bringing you comfort and peace. And you will live every minute to its fullest until your last breath comes. Becaise thatis who yiu are. May all the people that you have blessed by your life let you know that you made a positive difference in theirs. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I say put me on that list.
Sending all my love to you, Mari. <3
Hey Mari. So glad you have a canine companion during this time. Dogs too, are beautiful creatures living a short, sweet time on this earth.
I have a shadow box on my bedroom wall with my favorite (out of many) Red Rider jersey framed with a big jangle of Tour de Cure medals. Every time I look at this memory I I will think of you! Tail winds amiga!
Cheers to you. To living brighter and more present to life’s offering. I wish you comfort, ease, and humor on this next chapter.
Mari—you are living your life with integrity and leading with love! We will be here each step—shoring you up as each step along this journey will be a new one! You bring light, laughter and so much wisdom blanketed in grace and gratitude! We love you so!
Mari, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but you have been a role model to me in the way you hold magic in your heart. I’ll stay by your side, even if it is virtually.
Beautiful wonderful you Michelle!
Sending love and support as you live deeply each of your days! Thank you for all you share in this dance off life and death.
Breathless and deeply supportive of your choice—your peace.
Mari, I’m so very sorry to read about the return of cancer yet again . You have been through so much in this life and yet you continue to inspire so many of us. Thank you!! I know how hard you’ve worked to make the best of this life and how important is it for you to share your kindness, strength and wisdom as a way of helping others. Thank you!! We are here to support you now. If anyone can transition with courage and grace, it’s you. I wish you all the love and joy you can absorb during this time.
Love Leslie
Mari, I’m so sorry to hear about the return of cancer yet again. You have been through so much and yet you continue to inspire so many with your kindness, strength and wisdom. I know how very hard you have worked at making the best of this life and how important it is to you to share as a way of helping others. We are all here to help you and wish you the very best during this time. If anyone can transition with grace it’s you!!
Much love and respect!!
Love Leslie
Hi Mari,
You are strong and inspirational. Thank you for sharing such an intimate decision. Positive thoughts your way. Your body created this and it can overcome it. ❤️
I am forever grateful you were on my journey through this life. You have always inspired me. Enjoy every minute of the rest of your journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You have always lived your life full blast….on your terms. I am saddened by the prognosis but totally understand your decision. May the future be filled with more amazing memories.
Oh this makes me so sad and angry. Yet I totally understand your decisions and will support you on this journey as best as I can. You are loved dear Mari more than you know. You’ve always been my inspiration and still are. I love you dear Friend.
#cancersucks
I support you.
You have the greatest smiles! Yes, I support your decision.
You’ve been a wonderful source of information for me following my d diagnosis in 2005.
I sincerely thank you for taking the time to be so encouraging! Stay strong.
Streaming love toward you now and beyond.
Mari
I am just in shock. Out of almost anyone I know you have led the heathy lifestyle. Hoping you have an adventures journey in your final chapter. Please keep in touch
I have heard many give their take on that ‘dash’ between the day we are born and the day we transition. You have filled that space with great lessons, examples and moments that make us ponder life as we rumble through it. May the time that adds to that provide smile inducing moments and a sense of peace as you live fully. Keep going on with your bad self!
We’re holding you in our hearts Mari. All our love, Mia and Scott
Thank you Mia and Scott. Much love to you both.
Always here to support you or just go do something. This was very powerful.
Ever deeply grateful for all our many hours of writing and sharing and laughing and supporting each other. We will have some more times of just doing things!!
With you
Thank you Stephanie.
Mari, I understand and honor your decision. Live your life and enjoy every moment.
Joan, thank you. I’m coming to Colorado at the end of August. I hope to see you and Carla. I will reach out.
Mari, I am very sorry you are going through this. I support your decision. Since met you, you have been my inspiration. Thank you for introducing me to the Red Riders. You are such an inspiration. I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you Veronica. I appreciate you.